Kaddy Thomas is the Founder of Carers Collective and a Parent-Carer to Elijah. Here Kaddy explains why solution-focused support can transform life for parent-carers
In the decade following my son Elijah’s life-altering brain injury, I was repeatedly labelled a “difficult” parent.
A post-surgery infection left Elijah with multiple complex health conditions, shattering our normality. Months in hospital replaced toddler groups, and I plunged into a world of medical jargon and unfamiliar services.
Overwhelmed and emotionally drained, the “difficult” label came when I advocated fiercely or expressed frustration. There were times when I probably swore too much, snapped at people, or made wrong decisions because I was emotionally battered and didn’t know where to turn.
A recent article published by Affinity Hub and co-authored by members of the Parent Carer Trauma Working Group (December 2023) echoed my experience, noting that the “difficult” or “problem parent” labels are widely applied to parents who are advocating for a child while stretched to their physical, emotional, and financial limits.
Indeed, parent-carers battle for support amid chronic emotional distress. Every appointment becomes a haunting revisit of trauma with no end point to reflect or recover. For me, stability was fleeting as Elijah’s health hung in the balance repeatedly, leaving wounds unhealed.
By 2009, Elijah required round-the-clock care. He finally received a Personal Care Budget in 2015, which thrust me fully into the job of a care manager without training. In the dual roles of mum and manager, I found it almost impossible to set boundaries, especially because we share our home with Elijah’s on-shift carers.
Years passed with little support until I realised a change was imperative for my wellbeing, as well as Elijah’s.
In 2018, I found solace in working one-to-one with a coach. This process enabled me to talk through challenges and devise solutions. It also enhanced my communication, took me out of that fight-flight-freeze emotional response, and made me a better manager by helping me define clear expectations and boundaries. I also learned to plan more strategically.
During the pandemic, I connected with Kerry Seymour, a solution-focused therapist, and her approach felt like the missing piece of the puzzle. I asked her if we could work together and launch a programme tailored to unpaid carers using solution-focused hypnotherapy.
I was part of the first cohort, partly to test the programme, but also because Elijah had been fighting for his life in hospital for eight weeks. Everyone on the course emerged emotionally restored and resilient, even me! I made a strong recovery from the emotional trauma of Elijah’s latest health issues.
Now, through Carers Collective, I work with Kerry and other qualified therapists to empower parent-carers with solution-focused thinking. Grounded in science, our approach equips them to navigate complexities, safeguard their wellbeing, and even stay in employment if that’s what their circumstances allow, or what they want.
The latter point is crucial. After Elijah became brain injured, it was impossible for me to stay in work. Many parent-carers face the same reality. This means money is tight and it’s easy to become isolated.
In England and Wales alone, approximately 2.5 million of the people who are unpaid carers to a loved one are trying to hold down a paid job too, juggling employment with their care responsibilities.
Sometimes, these carers are afraid to tell their bosses about their home life in case they’re labelled as “difficult”. Carers UK says that 57% of carers have had to stop work or reduce their paid hours to cope.
Carers who do stay in work may be absent more often or less productive in their jobs on occasions due to the conflicting demands on their time. Again, they may be labelled as “unreliable”, “lazy” or “problematic” by their bosses and/or colleagues.
At Carers Collective, we’re seeking to open up the channels of communication and ditch the labels.
You can book and pay for any carers in your workforce to join our Carers in the Workplace: Building Resilience and Wellbeing virtual programme, which starts on 10th September 2024 and runs for six weeks.
Linkedin: ehciccarerscollective
carers-collective.co.uk
